I don't know where to start. Now I'm in my early 30s and everything started like 25 yrs ago. I don't know what happened or what not, but one day I realized there are two kind a ppl in the world, male and female. I know it sounds silly, but it was a shock. Before that point there was my father, my mother, my little brothers, myself and the rest of the world fill with random ppl.

I realized I have to wear ugly t-shirts and ugly shoes. I can't move my arms while I'm talking because it means I'm angry even if I am not. I'm not allowed to use words like “cute” or “fantastic”, but I have to use words like “awesome” or “whoa” (with a low tone). I'm not allowed to grow my hear because then I'm a punk and punk are not tolerated. I should not brush my hear more than once per day, but better to do it only once in two days or less. I have to pick the “right” colored pencil case, I have to prefer given colored and types of cloths otherwise I'll be punished by others from the group in the kindergarten and later in school.

I was like “what the heck”, it does not make sense, but sure I can live with that... Others can so I can. I went to school and I lost my best friend because she was a girl and there is no such thing like friendship between male and female human. I'm not a social one so it's hard to make friends or even making connections with ppl so they know my name at least.

In school, I had to learn everything about being a male member of the society. I had to ignore everything with female association. It was hard. Later on when I was able to live my own life, I was able to keep my hair long, get random cloths I like and I can wear... at home.

Sexuality

I found both male and female humans attractive always. I did not really care about their gender. In my language, there is no different word for different genders so in a linguistic aspect, it did not really matter. Later on, I learned it's not normal and males tend to find female companions and females are looking for males. It was even more complicated for me. Why are they doing it while I was bullied with girl friends? But after a read a lot of books I started to understand humans a bit more. Thankfully there are book in the Psychology and Sociology section in the library.

Back in the 1900s and early 2000s, I have not really met with concepts other then so called straight relationships. I though maybe I'm gay because I'm not straight. Later I figured out, actually there is a word for my sexuality and it's called Bisexual. I was happy because finally I knew I'm not the only one and it has a name. Never mentioned it because I was scared because of its consequences.

And the rest

When I started to get facial hair, hair on my legs and arms, I was jealous that some others don't have it. I wanted a smooth leg, a smooth arm and when I started to remove them with a razor someone said I can do it with my facial hair, but that's it. The rest should stay there as it's part of my body. But... But... How is it's “more part” of my body than facial hair? Why? How? It does not make sense. So I did what they said.

A few things bothered me and every time I took a quick look in the mirror I was a monster, something I was not supposed to see in the mirror. It was literally painful to just listen others. Listen when they said something what boys do and what don't. I always wanted to scream “I'M NOT A BOY! I DON'T WANT TO BE A BOY! NOT EVEN A HUMAN! LEAVE ME ALONE”, but after my parents divorced, I was the one who was responsible for things that would fall on the shoulder of The Father of the family. I had to be strong, I had to be supportive and protective over my little brothers. No one asked me to do it, not even myself, I just did.

When I moved out from home and went to the university I ended up on a mostly-male department so called Information Technology. It's not weird because I'm a coder since I got my first Commodore (C64) back in like 1997 or so. I tried to make friends... surprise, it did not go well ;) So I get my first job and I move out to my first flat.

Life as an Adult

I met with a girl we spent a lot of time together and we have a daughter. Later we had another baby and she died after one month and the girl left alone with my daughter. Time passed, I met with a girl and I love her. We are together right now as well. We have a son together. Meantime the mother of my daughter came back and wanted to share the kid. Yey.

Exploration

I was not happy, does not matter what happened in my life I was always sad and it was not comfortable at all. I tried to identify the big why.

So go back a few years again back when I lived with my mother and two little brothers. I was not happy with my body hair I have and it was just a little extra. I did not want big hands, I did not want my hard muscles and on the first place, the most annoying thing I had was my penis and testicles. They are just f* annoying and I don't want them. And why I don't have boobs like others have (thoughts back before I realized there are boys and girls). No, I know, I know why I have them, but I did not ask for it. I want to be a girl.

So just back to where I was two paragraphs before. I read a lot and I learned this is not something I just invented but already exists and it's called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Why I have this, I live with this body for so long. And yet, I made a hard statement that changed everything. I don't want to be a girl, I AM a girl (still human, it's harder to change this). It was a very important statement because after that it was much easier to see my problems.

Present

I can't talk about it because of my environment. I can talk about it with my wife and she is kinda supportive and it's good. But... there is a but. I can't tell her everything because I'm scared. I was and I will be scared and it's not easy to come over. I don't want to hurt her, I want to be with her, but her answers on some topics are just triggers a bell “you should not go deeper”. They are all valid concerns and I can totally understand her.

I had a therapist and I really try to make things better. But...

After years I feel I'm tired and I always say it's work, it's because of the baby, it's the weather. But deep inside it's more about the role I'm playing all the time, it's more about the situation where I have to keep my secrets deep down or I may lose my daughter (yes it's a valid concern if her mother raise her hand on official procedures like court), maybe I will lose my wife, my son, my job, my whole life I built up, I have to face more aggression because of the political development in the country and their strong pressure on ppl.

I'm tired of being someone else. I'm tired of all the dodge mechanics I evolved on given topics. I'm scared, even on drugs (anti-depressant) what if one day I'll not be able to stand up and shake my monster body and go on. Of course, now I think I will always, but saw too many ppl thinking like this and one day they did not, they were not able to stand up.

So, what's my point? Nothing maybe. Maybe it's just a wall of text that can help others in their problems. Maybe someone will read this and start thinking about the whole story and change their mind about trans members of the society, or read this and they will say “Oh yes, I'm not alone”. At the end we are not alone, we should not be alone.

Have a nice day ;)

PS: I was thinking about writing this anonymously, but at the end I decided to not do it. I know, it's easy to point out who am I really because it's not a secret. It's easier then making a cup of tea maybe. I decided to make it with my name because I think I can deal with the consequences if ppl I know find this post and look up who am I, but if at least one reader have ANY questions because they are in trouble and needs help, I want to be there to help, so if you are that one, you can reach me on Mastodon or any other platform where you see my name ;)

Cover image: Final Space @ AdultSwim